On Emptiness

I've been giving my feelings of emptiness some thought. I've considered the things that made me truly feel, and others that I desperately try to repeatedly do in order to feel better about myself. I think the problem I have is related to living all my life in a single city.I believe I've previously written on the topic, where I feel like a small towner who's never seen a city. Now I think that the problem is endemic to the city.

Here's the context: I have seen pretty much all there is to see in this city, and I do go on trips overseas. The trips to the countries right next door may expose me to different cultures, but they are also born of the same climate. Going through the region does little more than show me more of the same albeit in a different, possibly slightly more dangerous cultural context.

To get the truly unique experiences that I've found to fuel my zest for life, I've found the need to go farther abroad. Unfortunately, the cost of doing so is quite prohibitive, and is hardly an option for a weekend getaway. While each of those away from home experiences impacts me greatly and I don't easily forget them, they are sufficiently few and far between that they may as well be fantasies that I can come back to from time to time.

I find myself hungering for different locales, and seek out what I can within the city itself. Granted, these do exist. I round a corner that nobody visits, and I see something that is so far from the norm that I am actually refreshed. I hung out with a friend there today, and she felt it too. It was a sense of liberation, and honestly neither of us wished to leave.

Sadly, I do realize that such places are limited, and it is only a matter of time before I find them all. At that point, I can truly say that I have explored the city. That is also when I find that I sicken more of the place that no longer holds mysteries for me. Perhaps I am simply jaded and need to take a break from here to satisfy my wanderlust.

Sometimes I wonder why I feel the way I do, and why others can settle down in contentment. I guess in a way I just don't fit in with the culture around here, and frankly I feel more like an anthropologist studying a foreign tribe than being a member of the tribe. On the other hand, I have been told by multiple people that I am different, alien. They can see it, and know that I am not like the others, but I guess the next logical question is why the others are the way they are. Then I ask myself the million dollar question: Where is home?