Products Of Our Experiences

We are all products of our unique combinations of experiences. There are times when I prop my pillow up and think about what life would have been like if my younger days didn't turn out all sucky, and I had all my wants largely granted. They aren't extravagant wants or anything, but it basically means that life would've gone a heckuvalot more smoothly.

Of course, I came to the same conclusion as always: Had things all gone my way, I would hardly be the one I am today. If I didn't get beaten and bruised all through elementary and high school, I could have simply wound up as one of the mindless masses.

Red pill? Blue pill? If I were offered the blue pill today, one that could warp reality to make my past the way its shiny equivalent would have been, I'd throw it away as far as I could. Even though reality itself had changed and my resultant life wouldn't have been a lie, things just wouldn't be the same. I would probably never think much about why life is as life is, or meet the same people who would guide me through life. Perhaps it is better to have the hardened exterior and a nice squishy inside, than it is to be squishy all over and just waiting to be squished.

I don't ever want to live a lie, and neither do I ever want a life without awakening. If the stimulus, however painful, does not exist, neither would the urge to better understand oneself. Or the world. Or why flowers are pretty. Life would become a blur of trippy, flashy lights like the ones I see when I zone out, and when the train hits me I will know nothing about what happened in between. That is not something I'd like to have in exchange for what I already do.