Leave Me Alone!

I can leave the past behind, but why won't the past leave me behind! It keeps chasing up and giving me a nip just to remind me that it's there. I'm not sure how much longer I can take it. I don't like to curse things or people, but I really don't think I can hold the anger in check much longer.

Cornifers

The life-strength of cornifers never ceases to amaze me. I harvested a sprig for mom because she wanted to have little christmassy trees growing in pots. I placed some leaf fragments in my bonsai pot to see how long leaf fragments took to dry out, turn brown and die. It's been two weeks now, and they just refuse to fade away. Even the leaf fragments refuse to go. I begin to have faith in the sprigs from which they came.

Mankind's Destination

Humans are not, perhaps, as blind to their final objective as they are to their reasons for seeking it. Truly, humans seek oblivion, however they are. In mindlessly seeking progress and the quest for Utopia, humans seek not so much the refinement of consciousness as they do the ultimate peace and complacency that being at the pinnacle of progress allows. By striving towards the refinement of knowledge and understanding, humans seek the point at which they need no longer think so hard. The mental stagnation that comes from perfect peace of mind appears to be a valid end to which one must strive towards. Humanity seeks the No-Place.

Equality as Conformity

Unqualified equality is in itself a form of imposed uniformity. While apparently desirable, it takes active effort to maintain, even were this highly unlikely "ideal" reached. In reality, true equality is an unnatural construct due to the fact that humanity itself has a propensity for diversity and domination. Even were humans segregated into geographically separate societies that support equality and those that do not, there is no guarantee that one would not seek to overwhelm the other. Historically, even peace-loving civilizations have been taken by force of arms by war mongers. Moreover, the hegemony of unqualified equality has to be maintained by the suppression of those seeking to push for inequality, with failure of the suppression of which leading to the establishment of yet another unequal hegemony. Hence, such imposed conformity can only be maintained by an existing dictatorial force of enforcers, and/or the presence of a population fully indoctrinated into the ways of unqualified equality. Thus, in attempting to benefit the masses, a certain degree of individualism is sacrificed. All decisions made ultimately lead to a reduction in personal choices available.

Narnia

I watched Narnia with a friend and found it to be a fair show. Whilst the special effects were comparable to the average fantasy movie of this time, I find that the script was somewhat lacking in comparison to the book itself. I'm unsure as to the exact reason, but quite a few subtleties in the book were not present in the movie itself. For example, Edmund seems a lot more gullible in the movie, since he is apparently intimidated/seduced by a queen in a wardrobe in a land that may not even be real. It's more apparent in the book that he's actually being seduced and coddled into helping her. On the whole, however, I do think that I enjoyed Narnia more than the Harry Potter movies.

Random Silliness

A chicken that was a friend, served up at the dinner table, with the co-sharer of the chicken's soul eating by my side.

A dog that was a friend, heaved himself to his feet to hug me.

A storm drain overflowing, with a great red and black crocodile in it. Ran to the shopping area, with drain covers exploding and a great beige snake with hostile eyes and a hood. A pair of groundhog statues bursting out the side of buildings, and an elephant as large as they are.

Another storm drain, full of animals, but half empty this time. A pair of large pythons writhing in a heap. A pair of turtles were mounting while half submerged in the water. Some walruses and penguins present. Some penguins were crying and had large teardrops at their eyes. Tried to return the penguins to the water, but one was stuck on the stones and was crushed in the attempt.

The Seed Within A Fruit

The anima develops as a seed does within a fruit. In detaching from the pod, the seed is not destroyed but carries on. The seed may be under-developed, or it may develop fully. Whatever the case, the seed lasts beyond the nurturing fruit.

Discussing techniques with a fox.

Of Will and Command

The will itself holds little power and cannot do much without the command of the greater forces extant. No matter the endurance of the bearer of the will, the focus and will energies can only be maintained for that long. If one finds a way to harness the greater forces through an act of will, the forces become a natural extension to the original will, and simply magnify the original act of will. An ideal case would be the automatic agumentation of will with the greater forces such that a minimum expenditure of will is required. That will greatly enhance one's capabilities.

A New Year

A new year that isn't really much. Just the usual resolutions that are almost never fulfilled, the fireworks that disappear almost as soon as they're fired. Ephemerality in its purest form, with even time succumbing to its own passage. The years roll past, crushing all in their path, even previous years. And yet it is always today. I have yet to see a yesterday or a tomorrow. It always seems to be today.

Work Ethics

Why do some people believe that the newer generation of workers have poor work attitudes? There are allegations that today's youth have no respect for authority, and believe that they have a special entitlement to the world they're born into. I say that people have a right to believe that, even if it possibly ruins their future and perhaps affects the economy of the country at large. I think that if an entire generation of humans can decide to feel that way, something must be wrong with the system that brings them up to become thinking adults. That, or perhaps there is something fundamentally wrong with the old system that is no longer working with the younger generation. One is obliged, perhaps, to perform to the minimum requirements of the job contract as a point of honour. One should not be "expected" to go above and beyond the call of duty just because it would show loyalty to the company. And I think it rather hypocritical for one to do more just for the sake of showing that one has a good work ethic. One does it because one is willing or seeks some sort of recompense through the mercenary application of it. One should not hide behind the facade of having a "good work ethic" just because it's the right thing to do.

Of Homogeneity and Responsibility

Humans are cowards that hide behind reasons for their actions. It is better and safer to act as a part of a large whole than to act alone of one's own accord. Few are ever willing to do things merely because "I feel like doing it." In fact, this behaviour is often strongly discouraged early on in life when children are taught that that particular statement of opinion is usually insufficient. Those who oppose will learn that judgement is passed more harshly on those who reject the authority of the one who passes judgement. Perhaps it is the conditioning from youth that encourages this timid belief, along with the half-truth that there is safety in numbers.

Why Should I?

Sure. I consider suicide at least once every two days. What? No. I don't bother trying, Fenris. It doesn't matter. I'm too proud to just lie down and die. It's a dishonour to our noble bloodline. How does one integrate the fragments of the shattered self? A terminal case of cognitive dissonance. There is no denying one's true nature, and neither is acceptance an option. Death is the coward's way out, Fenris. It is unacceptable.

Chance is in itself a burst of meaning in a meaningless world. It is they who are so used to meaninglessness who are frightened of such meaning.
I am a performer in a Noh play. I join the movements of the painted faces, to strange sounds that I hear but do not comprehend. So I try to give meaning to none. How can there be humanity without freedom, and freedom without security? Exit.

The Infinite Treachery of the Innocent Mind

In the beginning, there was Wolf and Man. Wolf had to live, and Man had to live. Man lived where Man lived, and Wolf lived where Wolf lived. Man saw Wolf one day, and made friends with Wolf. Wolf helped Man, and Man helped Wolf. Why? Because Man had to live and Wolf had to live. So Wolf lived with Man, and kept others away. Wolf that had not joined Man stole from Man. Why? Because Wolf had to live. Man and Wolf kept Wolf away, and Wolf suffered in silence. To this day, Wolf is few and Man is many. Why? Because Man lives and Wolf has to live.

I, Myself.

One cannot deny one's true nature indefinitely. One cannot deny the existence of the desires that come to whisper in one's mind when one least expects it. The cravings that cannot be explained.

I have faith only in myself. Thus am I also my greatest betrayer.

Of Good and Evil

People who worship evil and acts of evil tend to have to believe in an opposite force upon which to base their opposition. That is why one cannot, by definition, worship an evil Satan without a good God. Conversely, there cannot be a goodness worshipper without acknowledging the existence of the evil that one opposes. What, then, of those who refuse to acknowledge the existence of either? Such a stand would mean that one is unable to define either, separates divinity from the concepts, or genuinely believes that neither actually exists.


Christmas was all weird.

The Core of Being

The seeds of Being and the seeds of Memory. One needs not carry all of one's experiences beyond, for it would be too cumbersome. The purest essence of one's true Core is what matters. It's the only Ghost in the Shell. The rest is temporal and of no significance.

Links

As it is above, so it is below. In terms of sanctity, ever more was there ability to form the true links that bound the truth to reality. In commanding the facts that were meant for the central reality, there was to be a point of leadership amongst the threads of possibility. Never again was it permitted to pull at the farthest threads by the access of the nearer ones. Such meddling had unexpected results and were stopped before they could cause further damage.

There is actually a link between the mishaps of today and the actions of yesterday. It is no coincidence that there is an increase in accidents nowadays compared to when the original transports were first increased in number. The boomerang of cause leads to far off effects. And the effects are felt now.

An Act of Defiance

When one rebels for the sake of being a rebel, one tries to differ from the prescribed norm. When a norm shifts, however, one should try to shift with the norm. For example, when everyone used to have to sleep early and wake early, it was fashionable to sleep late. What happens when everyone starts staying up late and all that? A rebel must stay alert to such changes in trends. To do otherwise would be to unknowingly conform. But in mindlessly shifting with the change in trends, a rebel also shows how one is actually enslaved by the trend itself. One becomes a slave to free will. Hence, it is probably better to simply do things at random, where one is utterly unpredictable.

Pain and Suffering

Is it better to feel pain and be able to suffer, or to feel bad about not feeling anything at all? If one kills without knowing that one is causing death, or even hurt, should the one be held responsible?

Why do I not feel anything of its own accord? I understand feelings, and how they should be at appropriate times. I never really do feel them, though. Except perhaps for fear and anger. Some who recall would say that I seldom show emotions. But then, how is one to show that which one does not actually feel? How does a face move to show that one is feeling something? Perhaps one day I'll actually internalize such feelings.

Feelings can be understood by observing the reactions of people in books, movies, around oneself etc etc. But how does one actually know how it feels to be that way? Emotions are such complicated things.

The Ways of Combat

1) A Regular Sword
2) A Fortified Sword
3) An Energy Blade
4) The Dancing Blade

While the highest form of all combat is the dancing blade, the strongest is still the fortified sword. It helps if the fortified sword itself is enchanted, but it is likely only possible through extensive use and channelling of energies through it, often in regular training. Familiarity in the use of a basic blade is instrumental in allowing the smooth use and maintaining of integrity while using it with a minimum of concentration. If concentration breaks while using a fortified blade, there is an actual sword left behind at least.

A red and black crocodile, a beige cobra, two Matryoshka rodents and an elephant.

Books

Books contain knowledge. That knowledge may be flawed or not. However, all the books in the world would be useless without the ability to comprehend them, and the effort to spend time to read them. Fenris! Read your books!

Expectations

An evil person has no good expectations of people. One tends to act as one expects oneself to behave. As such, an evil person can only expect evil to come out of another person who has not proven to be pure and good. Ultimately, an evil person creates more fear in oneself than would be expected had that person not been evil. In hiding and spinning webs of deceit, one leads a far more complicated life than is strictly necessary. Such is the price of evil expectations.

Conformity

Humans have a strange urge to find ways to make everyone conform to the "norm", whatever that may be. People with "psychological conditions" that deviate from the "neurotypical" are deemed to be mentally ill and are often (when detected) subject to treatments specifically designed to make them fit in. While some degree of behaviour modification may be necessary for those who may pose a threat to other peoples' safety, there is little reason for one to be subjected to "treatments" if one is happy or satisfied with being atypical. In removing the root cause that makes such people atypical, some degree of capability may be removed as well. It is the ability to think differently from the crowd that makes people unique. Unless people actively express dismay towards their predicament as a result of being atypical, it should not be assumed that everyone would wish to fit in. Forcing people into the fold may damage them more than it actually helps.

The Children

There were three mothers with three children on the train. Someone got up from the seat. Two mothers rushed their children to the seat while the third ordered her child to stand as usual. One child got the seat, while the other mother murmured that she did not really want the seat for her child, anyway. The other child had to stand. The train ride was long and uneventful. The six people reached their destination station and wound up at the same traffic light. On the green, all of them crossed the road, failing to pay attention to the drunken driver barreling down upon their position. The child who had taken the seat was run over because of the child's weak legs from pampering. The other was pampered, too, but could not dodge in time because the legs were tired from the long train ride. The last child used the legs well-accustomed to standing to take a large step backwards and avoided the car, saving the mother some grief. The mothers were not around to care, however, for the car swerved and took them as well.

Central Database

If memories can be drawn from the central pool of cosmic data, does this data stretch across realities? And if so, would an inter-reality transfer of "knowledge" be rather strange? Perhaps there is the possibility of such data "leaking" across instead of swirling around in one large, disorganized mess.

Knowledge

The more one thinks one knows, the less one is prone to know. Knowledge always seems to have credibility attached to it, and information given by a "reputable" source is likely to be rather credible. The only problem is that others' credibility generally outweighs anything that one would normally have, unless one has one hell of a huge ego.

The Deletion of the Past

The past can be deleted, but the things that were done in the past can and do come back to haunt people. We live in a world that has no past, present or future. We place it all in a chronological sequence to maintain our sanity.

To see an aura, see a person with an aura, and then see that person as if the person was not there.

Children are generally unable to give informed consent for clinical trials. But since they are the ones receiving pediatric medication, doing so would deprive others of valuable research data. Then again, if something should go wrong during the clinical trial, permanent damage could result.

Specialized education is well and good, but it all comes to nothing when the educators are plain unable to handle the "special" students, especially if they lack the patience or know-how.

A Tale of the Moss

There was a patch of moss that grew between the bricks of the path. It never grew taller, but stayed where it was. Feet that came by never trampled it, and the harsh sun did not dry it as it did the ones which grew on the brick itself. The moss flourished, and filled the gaps. None remembered the moss that tried to establish itself on the bricks and failed.

The Absence of Communism

There has never been a Communist state, and neither has there ever been a real Democratic state. Both are ideals that have never been realized, and will likely never be realized in an imperfect human society. It is sheer foolishness that people fight one another over such ideals, declaring themselves subject to these sides that cannot exist in reality. One would think that humans merely require a banner to unite under just to feel that they are justified in having opinions of their own. People hate to do things by themselves, and doing so merely makes them feel uncomfortable.

The Cat

I saw a cat walking along a road today. He looked almost exactly like the one who was run over a couple weeks back. It was a sad reunion of sorts. I really can't stand watching something get run over and die in front of me. A cat's requiem, and a moment of silence.

The Meaning of Everything

There is no greater meaning to life than realizing that life is ultimately meaningless. Being born is meaningless. Living life is meaningless. Dying is meaningless. Trying to die is meaningless. The greatest hope that people harbour is the one that tells them that their lives have meaning.

If one lives, only to die eventually, then there is no point to living life because it will end. If one lives, and is immortal, there is no point to living forever because living is meaningless. If an afterlife does not exist, living life is meaningless because one simply ceases to care after one dies. If one has an afterlife, living life is meaningless because one will end up there anyway. If living life is a way to attain a good afterlife, what is there to ensure that the afterlife is not meaningless as well? And what if one asks in the afterlife, "What is the meaning of the afterlife?", and gets a slow... nonchalant... shrug in reply? Irony. But irony is ultimately meaningless.

Aeon Flux and Brave New World

I watched Aeon flux yesterday. There were some interesting issues raised in the film, and several parallels to Huxley's Brave New World. The concept of artificial birth, the usual sheep-like conduct of the people. The city is a sanitized, self-contained futuristic metropolis. As always, the people are portrayed as sheep, though their conditioning is not like what one finds in Brave New World.

It is interesting to see a similarity to the Guilds in various science fiction works. The Guild is always advanced and acts as an overseer of the common population. In this case, the foating ship turns out to be a cloning facility, the function of which is unknown to the people. It is manned by an ancient, which is a common feature of the Guilds. When the ship crashes, it serves as a symbol of freedom when it knocks the wall down that separates the city from the rest of the world.

The issue of cloning is scientifically questionable, though. The clones seem to retain memories of their previous lives. This is an example of past-life regression, however, and is something that is a rather real phenomenon. Could some memories be genetic?

We also have the typical freedom fighters. Strangely enough, Hollywood freedom fighters never seem to have a true cause. Rebels without a cause, they seem to try to introduce the idea of freedom to the masses by overthrowing a regime of sorts. However, what of the people who have no concept of freedom? Many people have no idea of what it is like to live without a regime over their heads, and simply start following the leaders that emerge and wind up under yet another regime in the end.

In search of the bitter truth and freedom.

The truth is said to set one free. But what happens when the sheer shock of the truth paralyzes one who cannot handle the truth. It is a sad condition when one cannot handle it. What is true freedom? One can think one is free, but is in reality constrained by those beliefs. One can force one's freedom from the constraints of society but wind up enslaved by the needs that arise in that "freedom". The central paradigm of liberty is that it exists only in the mind. There can be no true freedom.

Egg Jams and Executions

The Egg Jams are past. Executions should be allowed on the condition that humans are the ones to be executed. I've yet to see humans being executed for carrying the bird flu or ebola.

I'm currently preparing a master set of Sandman comics. It's really incredible how many comics there are in existence. Wishlist: Death Note manga.

Living a lie

Dear Fenris,
Which would be better: Living a lie and be reasonably comfortable in the deception, or to break forth in truth, be free on the inside but chained by the weight of reality? Worse still, which is the truth, and which is the lie? Or do the two positions change with the seasons? I don't know the answer yet, but I'll figure it out somehow. I always say it, but never seem to figure it out. But there is always one truth:
Remember that I am an illicit procurement specialist.

Perfection

If perfection is the pinnacle of refinement, then it stands to reason that there is only one possible form of perfection. And if perfection is perfect, then there is no way that it can be improved. That would make perfection stasis, since any deviation from the ideal would be going backwards. Is heaven perfect? Is there ever progress in heaven?

Long Distance Relationships

It is difficult to maintain long-distance relationships. This is especially true if one would wish to preserve the closeness that was once present before the other went away. The ties that bind grow distance with the passage of time, and the newer fads and interests are seldom accurately relayed across all that space. Morever, there is no shared experience to go with the discussion, even if the new interests are in common. The relationships invariably and inevitably drift further apart.

Why?

Some people seem to have everything going for them, but nobody really stops to question whether they had paid a high price in exchange for their good fortune. Why me? Because.

My moss is growing well on my pot of bonsai. I spotted a small caterpillar on one of the little plants growing there. Instead of becoming philosophical on how a bonsai caterpillar would wind up on a bonsai pot, I chose to ask it the question, "Can you fly?"

A Memory

A birthday. It was interesting to think of a birthday that had no people coming to celebrate. All 6 cameras in the house failed to operate, and the only one that did, failed after taking 37 shots from a 36 shot roll of film. Now, I wouldn't say that the birthday was an entire disaster, but it was interesting to note how technology always manages to fail at the proper time. I don't know about others, but technology doesn't like me very much. hehe

Nothing Ever Gets Through!

I have some sort of weird mail filter imp guarding every sort of mail I receive. I'm sure that it's an imp or a similarly mischievous being or entity or whatever it is. My important emails never get through even though I have it nearly empty and have no filters on it. My snail mail comes late at best and goes missing sometimes. Even my phone SMS messages can be delayed by hours~~! Then again, I'm quite positive that technology hates me, so that could be a reason. It isn't really a case of ineptness. Stuff works when I'm staring at it. It just fails when I look away, or in front of me when I blink.

Yellow Submarine

I agree that The Beatles' Yellow Submarine is a remarkably silly piece of film, but it is also a rather interesting work of art. It incorporates cubism into a running animation that has a rather surrealist feel to it. I note the inclusion of contemporary icons into the background art as well. It would be a great piece for Cultural Studies analysis.

Reasoned, reasonable reasoning.

The society of modern humans is full of reasoned, reasonable people who do not reason very much. People are dissatisfied with the idea of being happy without a reason, and demand a reason to be happy. Upon receiving such a reason for happiness, they feel liberated to be freely happy without reasoning beyond the surface veneer of reason provided as an excuse for happiness. Happiness, as biologists would claim, is a result of chemicals gathered and interacting with the brain. Thus, there really should not be a reason for reasoned happiness, simply because there is no reason that necessitates it. It is proven beyond a doubt, however, that the people are reasonable. They can be reasoned with and made to accept reasons, however stupid, as long as they are reasonable.

The Housework Paradox

When tidying a room, one must seek to eliminate trash from the room by physically removing it from the area. Rearranging the room would only serve to move the same trash around, and the room becomes increasingly impossible to tidy. Unfortunately, the "it may come in handy" principle is a great hindrance to such efforts. An item may be useless at the moment, and should be removed in order to prevent the buildup of trash in a room. However, this may result in one buying the exact same item later on in life when the item is actually needed. One may be inclined to store the item in an "appropriate place" instead. This may be even worse, given that storing an item thus would likely result in a junk heap somewhere, with the said item buried under years of it-may-come-in-handies. The law of kipple is such: Kipple spreads. If there's nothing that we can do about it, chances are that we simply should not do anything about it. There's no point running; you'll only die tired.

Are your leaders lying to you?

If a country is subjected to the mass media geared only towards protecting the interests of the ruling party, with the citizens screened from all outside influences, how can any one stand up to the regime? Would anybody know? The citizens could be deceived to a point that they accept what they are told. Moreover, if impoverished, they could well be so preoccupied with their day-to-day living that they have neither the time nor inclination to question the words of their leaders. This could also happen in a fairly developed country, when lies are fed to the people on a daily basis. How, then, could they know when their ears are filled with false promises and misinformation? Worst of all, would they say, "Would it matter?"
Freedom and stability are often viewed as mutually exclusive: The more freedom, the less stability. If this argument holds water, it stands to reason that all freedom should be sacrificed in return for stability.

Lightning

There was a lightning storm today. I was appreciating the thunder when a great big flash of lightning lit the sky and managed to synchronize with the circuit breaker tripping. Totally trippy. The power was out only in my unit. The other units were still lit. Anyway, I reset the breaker and all equipment appears to be in order. The other computer has trouble booting, though. It wasn't on at the time of the outage, so I wonder at whether it has anything to do with the surge.

Egg Jams

The egg jam's are a-comin'
Can ya smell 'em comin'?

Yuh. It's that time of year again. The big ugly things that are just a waste of time, and the source of a lot of stress. Timer started, Fenrir! Two weeks remain! Make your time! Move zig! For great justice!

Economic Escalation

I'm positive that the current capitalist system will collapse on
itself in the future (near or otherwise). People are working harder and
harder, and employment is reduced in a bid to improve efficiency. To
maintain employment, people would have to work for less pay (which
encourages further exploitation of the working population). Moreover,
employers will be inclined to work their employees harder if they wish to
remain competitive. Monetary flows keep the economy running, and slacking
off would have disastrous effects, not counting cyclical fluctuations. I
would think that the future would be very interesting indeed.

Dilbert!

It's a little spacey to have watched 12 hours of Dilbert. I now have the urge to grow pointy hair and commit random acts of management. That cannot be a good thing. I think synergy would be the only solution to this problem that is as big as a horse standing under a waterfall. Dilbert is addictive. Be Warned. Incidentally, it also turns out that I actually watched Season 1 AND 2 of the Dilbert animated series. Pretty heady stuff.

Oh. I'm pleased to announce that I managed to get my Navi to manage my Porta-Navi. Turns out that the Porta-Navi isn't up to the task of managing the Navi. (Remember Problem 79, Fenrir) Anyway, the trick was to map the Porta-Navi as a Network drive and work from there. It was a pretty simple solution that toally slipped me by for some time. Anyway...it's a good thing to note, Fenrir. Remember My Computer.

Samhain

Came and went. Just like that. Perhaps I should have done more than let it pass me by. Then again, time is what we have lots of.

Finishing Fable: TLC. Turns out to be the first Microsoft game I actually enjoyed. Uh oh. Dark side shift detected.

Dilbert!

I've managed to obtain Season 1 of the Dilbert cartoons. A beautiful 4 DVD set, chock full of sardonic satire. Cubby dwellers love cubby humor even when they do not actually work in cubbies. It's claustrophobic enough, living in an apartment, to not wish to sacrifice the privacy of a decent door as well. Cubbies are torture! Ban the cubbies!

Writing

Frank Herbert did mention that a true writer would attempt to fill one's free time with the act of writing. Given that chatting on the Wired is the application of a textual medium, would tapping words out on a keyboard count as "writing"? If so, then call me a writer any day of the week.

Cat. Meet road.

A cat, a road and a car. Car sees cat, cat meets road. Cat splatters blood, refuses to die. Cat wriggles and writhes like fish out of water. No sounds, much struggle Much blood. Cat stays still and moves no more. Car is long gone. Later, blood on road, no cat. Cat lying peacefully under tree. Another cat, waiting, watching.

Of Success

I would find that academic success has little bearing on actual real-life success, further strengthening the prevalent hypothesis that academia and "reality" should be separated. Apparently, banking one's future on that A+ in some college is really expecting too much out of the education system. Something should be done about life skills rather than theoretical analyses.

Oh. I'm quite certain that I've got a fae or three hiding about my house, making things just...disappear. I always find stuff only after ranting, raving or making vague threats about using more steel in my works. I would suppose that I should've put out some milk and cookies. Problem's that I'm a bit short on milk and cookies. They're probably laughing at my expense, not that it's particularly damaging. Or could it be that technology just hates me, and the system invariably has some sort of a hiccup every time I try to do something important by a high-technology means...hmm...

Blood and ashes

The noose tightens, always. The inexorable momentum of the pendulum. Like a sword hanging over a head, it moves down, down, ever down. One is never free from the passage of time, though one may try for it. Swish, swish, swish. Cutting through without resistance. So many things consumed and passed on in the passage of time. A life, a candle flame in a windy room. *puff*

Flight of the Hummingbirds

Flitting about blossoms,
drawing the nectar in.
Staying only for a moment,

Reekin' Bots!

I'm getting a little sick of all these little blog-commentor bots. I know that nearly nobody reads my blog, and it's rather strange seeing "people" appreciating my blog and pointing me in the direction of some webpage. It's blog-spamming! I wonder if anyone is aware of this.

Oh, and my toe doesn't hurt nearly as much as it did when I slammed it. I figure it's probably healed back to functionality, since it doesn't hurt when I walk, and most of the redness and swelling's gone. Whew. Not sure if I dare to wear shoes just yet, though...

Freedom or Happiness

If one had to choose between the two, which would one choose? Should enlightenment be more highly prized than a rudimentary awareness and the contentment that comes with it? Humanity is often synonymous with freedom, and the machine-like dedication to the social juggernaut is often abhorrent. Should progress be for the sake of discovering The Truth, and what is it that The Truth can do? Would a contented and stagnated society ever be able to discover The Truth?

People are overly engrossed in their day-to-day survival and make no effort to consider the greater realities. This would probably not be a problem with the presence of an enlightened leadership. However, how can one expect sound leadership when the leaders were drawn from the same stock as the great unwashed masses... Besides, if the leaders were superior in some way, they should be the ones putting effort into improving the lots of their inferiors.

A Good Experience!

I think I may have fractured or at least badly sprained my little toe. I was kicking my shorts off and wound up smashing my little toe against the door frame. It looks really nice now. All black and blue (alright. More like brown and red) and Hurts Like The Dickens(tm). Given that it's swollen and hasn't recovered in 2 days, it's probably more serious than a mere bruise. All hail the new and improved little big toe! I'm feeling lame, but I've a right to, given how I'm limping about. Lamers unite!

Bullies

There was a boy being bullied on the train today. He had a cardholder worn around his neck. The older kid tore it after some horseplay. Upset, he started crying and lamenting about his father getting angry and violent. Instead of comforting the boy, the older kid jeered him, saying that he wasn’t afraid of the boy’s dad. The boys around him joined the alpha bully, teasing him and saying that they weren’t particularly afraid either. They moved away from the crying boy when the bully took a seat that was freed up.
Apparently, these boys prefer those with a macho façade and crying is a big no-no for them. While I was tempted to intervene, I also remembered that people should not be coddled but allowed to learn to fend for themselves. A sad but true fact of life.

Sheer Geekiness!

I managed to set up a 3-computer LAN without using a router of sorts. Best of all, my 3 systems can now access the internet simultaneously. Blame me for my cheapskate nature, being unwilling to buy a router to get them all online =p So...the current setup looks a little like this:

Old Navi (Ethernet cable) -----> Navi <----- (Firewire) Porta-Navi Wired It isn't the most elegant, but I do rather prefer to have wires connecting my systems rather than one of those radioactive and leechable wireless connections. They're expensive, too. *grin* Ok and I decided to buy that Sony DVD Writer after all. It came with some really cute gifts. One was a little circular screen cleaner, a keychain DVD opener and a retractable computer brush. The DVD opener really puzzled me because it was a little circular contraption with a small blade inside and a DVD case-sized slot on it's side. It turns out that the spring-loaded blade protruded when a little knob inside was depressed, slicing into the plastic wrapping of brand new DVD's. Nifty!
The computer brush had a penknife-style button on it's side that pushed the bristles out for use. No more worries about getting the bristles all messed up from improper storage! Kawaii!

In The Pipeline

I'm now considering the Sony DVD Burner. It looks mighty interesting, though the read performance leaves something to be desired. The front bezel does match my desktop casing, though... I think it would look mighty fine on my system. That's not to mention the fact that it's actually rather cheap in comparison to everything else on the shelves. I guess it would suit my basic needs, given the reasonable price. *draws crosshairs* I shall sleep on this.

Your Personal Web of Lies

A lie is revealed as a lie only when conflicting information turns up. If one is consistent in lying, everyone gets the exact same disinformation and wind up believing the lie simply because they reinforce each others' beliefs when they meet up to compare notes. Hence, one can easily be caught in one's own web of lies, but would probably get away with it if one would keep it simple. So ... go forth and spin your own web of lies today!


My mantis at my place, praying so hard for salvation.

Road Sweeps!

I was on a bus today, watching people boarding as I waited for it to leave the bus stand. There was a road sweep clearing leaves by the roadside, and I was mindlessly watching his strokes. Suddenly, he turned, grasped the broom by one hand and dashed towards the bus. I saw him grasp an elderly man by the elbow, supporting him as he was about to fall while boarding the bus. I admire his agility and awareness, since he managed to reach the old man before his daughter noticed that he was losing his balance. Best of all, he didn't drop his broom. Now there's a good road sweep!

A Tale

There was a child, going for the exams one day. Father was sick and bedridden, but Mother told the child to go for the exam, and make the family proud. Father forced a brave, reassuring smile, and the child knew what to do.
The child sat for the exam, answering all the questions with ease. It was as if Father was sitting together, helping out with the questions.
The child went home, rather pleased. The exam was aced for sure. Mother declared with a tearful eye, that Father died while the child was at school. Mother forced a brave, reassuring smile, saying that she knew, and was proud.
The papers came back, and the child's grades were high. The child sat by the beloved Father's grave, dictating the wonderful scores. Father would have been proud that the child didn't stay at home to watch him die. The child hugged the stone, and left the score sheet behind.

Use What You Have

I was just thinking about how some people have so many giftings and make little of what they have, and how others yearn for those gifts but have none to call their own. It's sad how so many people take their blessings for granted and never make an effort to develop them. I've a goodly number of people trying to follow their dreams but wind up being held back by their lack. I guess it's a very sad phenomenon. I'm in a similar situation half the time, figuring that life isn't worth living and that things just won't get better with time. They probably wouldn't, and such miracles are about as probable as winning the lottery. But still, I have hope, and that counts for something. Carpe Diem!

Oh and on a side note, I'm still mourning for the lost teeth. The gaps in my grinders will serve as a good reminder of the importance of action, and the consequences of indecisive inaction.

There Goes Another

I sent my friend off yesterday. He's going overseas to study and I hope he'd have a great time over there. By the gods! I'm running out of friends over here! But I am quite happy for him since he's got a shot at living someplace else. It was that same old scene at the airport again. It seemed like it was yesterday that I sent another chap off. And then I would recall how much I miss him too. But hey...life goes on. Besides, there's a rather screwy arrangement going on with my schooling, and I don't think I'd like the situation in the next semester. Blame my indecision, as usual. I'm probably the most indecisive individual for about 1 meter all around.

The Passover

Well, looks like the storm passed with remarkably few casualties and it seems that the anti-war protesters are out again. Guess it takes a national calamity to bring people to their senses.

Anwyay, I'm wondering what's chewing at my time. There are times when I feel that I'd not been doing anything in particular but still wind up spending lots of time. And they're not games, in case some people are thinking it.

The Storm of the Millennium

Two cat 4 hurricanes hitting roughly the same area. What chance is there? One would think it was divine retribution. Some think that the city of New Orleans was sinful and thus punished for its occult practices and gambling. I don't. I think this is all a result of the chaos spawned from the actions of humanity. That butterfly sure flaps its wings hard. These things are too unpredictable for people to point fingers about, but I think the Kyoto agreement would have helped some, and perhaps should be looked at a little more closely. I'm not some rabid environmentalist but I think something should really be done about the environment. The environmental changes are happening too rapidly and all sorts of terrible natural disasters are happening as a result. Maybe the droughts and starvation in Africa aren't a result of pollution. Maybe the storms are unrelated to global warming. Still, it's better to be safe than sorry. For one, I'm still roasting my butt off in the heat. I know for a fact that it is warmer now than it was a few years back. Got my temperature charts to prove it. Still, I pray that those in the hurricane-hit regions would be as well as they can be in the face of such a monstrous storm, and that the world leaders would find a way to handle such crises, if not work on reversing the damage to this earth.

An old friend

I'd just finished a very old game. I'm pleased to announce that it is really really old. Published: 1996. Title: Dust: A Tale of the Wired West. Actually, it was buried deep in some pile of random stuff in a dusty corner of my room. Now this is what I would call "Closure". It really is a nice way to finish another incomplete chapter in my life. Heh. I recall that my friend was convinced that I was unwilling to lend the game to him 'coz I kept saying that I couldn't find it. The irony (though expected) was that he didn't want to borrow it anymore now that I found it. Well, that's that. Another job well done, Fenrir.

Hamsters!

Someone did come up with a manual for the Hamster Fighting Machine! No...it isn't a machine that fights hamsters, but it really looks useful. I hope I don't end up doing Something Very Wrong, though. hee~~ So anyway, just refrain from stabbing people with your Hamster Fighting Machine(tm)

Think Different (In roughly the same way)

I would say that Apple is for conformists. No? I *know* that their designs are infernally cool (that's why I've an iBook and iPod =p). However, they're unique only because they have a minority share in the techno-market. Everywhere I go, that oh so darned pretty iBook exterior would be propped up somewhere. What if they were more common? Would the world be flooded with identical white (and undoubtedly pretty) casings? *shudder* Just a thought. It does sound like uniformity to me. *wink* I was just wondering where all the modded Apple items are hiding out. (And no...pasting stuff on your iPod shuffle does not really constitute modding)

Apple's really trying to stretch that iPod concept. With that new iPod Nano, I seriously wonder if the iFlea would actually become a reality. It really is rather weird to have equipment that happens to be rather small and have such large accessories to support its function. For example, I'd suspect that the Nano's charger and earphones would weigh more and be bulkier than the original item. Freaky.

No Foam!

It's official: iPod earphones feel better without their crummy foam covers. They look better, too! Anyway, I'd decided to just clean them more often and use antiseptics from time to time. Sure beats getting near earmuffs and getting my poor ears sore from sticking foam-covered stuff in 'em all day.

That Numb Ear

My iPod loves me and my handphone hates me. Proof? Here it is: My reflection in the ipod's shiny mirrored backplate is a whole lot cuter than the crappy photos my camera phone takes. Apparently, my camera phone is intent on emphasizing each and every ugly contour of my face. Bad, bad phone!

Oh and my ears are certainly numb. I was looking at my ipod earphone, wondering where one of the foam covers had gone. That foam cover always slips off. Thinking a bit, I'd figured that it wasn't likely that the foam cover simply fell off onto the floor. I'd instinctively checked my ear and found it lodged there. Ack!

A New Hazard on the Roads

Yeap. Fenrir's now a new road hazard. Beware the car that staggers about like a drunk on New Year's eve. One shot, one kill, says I. I'm pleased to announce that I'd managed to pass the practical driving test at the first sitting. Whew. And dangerously close to the failure mark, too. Ack.

Anyway, the day started with an early morning rousing. That was terrible, by the way. I was so sleepy and felt quite incapable of giving my best. I linked up with my instructor and drove myself to the test circuit, and did a trial round. The trial round went poorly and it seemed as if I had pretty much lost what little skill I originally had. Not to mention the fact that I'd wound up waiting like around 40 minutes for my tester to arrive (he was late.)

The circuit part of the test went pretty much without a hitch. I think it was probably cut a little short since the tester was late and we were under a time constraint. Understandably, I didn't point that out to him *grin*. I'm proud to declare that I had not so much as knocked a pole since day 1 of parking training till the actual test date! Fenrir banzai!

I would say that on-road was harrowing at best. Being overly nervous, I had forgotten my highway rules and didn't move out even when I had the right of way. Ouch. My instructor was stressing that I should re-enter the testing grounds by a certain lane after the on-road portion, and I did manage to do the exact opposite of that. Oops again. Well, anyway, I'm very grateful that the tester was kind and understanding, and passed me in the end. I guess he did feel a little bad about being so late and perhaps understood that I was rather nervous.

Now, back to Fenrisian Death-Sense, I did have some good vibes from him. I guess it was a touch of the "potential success" kind of a feeling when he got into the car with me. I don't believe in luck, but I do know when things are going right and that a sufficient exercise of skill and discretion would push things through. Well, anyway, here's to my new license! *huge grin* Candies all around!

Damnable Scales!

I woke in the morning, stepped on the scale and was unpleasantly surprised to have gained an entire kilo overnight! I then realized that I had forgotten to pee. Oh well.

I got my iPod yesterday! It was horrible, waiting for it. I was holding off visiting the com center for like a month, only to have them tell me that they had tried calling me but were unable to get through. And I was really really waiting for their call! Anyway, it was great. I like it a lot since the sound quality is Pretty Darned Good, and that it has this huge capacity for music (yeah, so you guys probably know this already). My main gripe is with that nifty mirrored backplate of the iPod 20gb. My prints are all over it. Augh.

Forgetfulness

It's horrible when you really want to write something in the blog and just forget about it before you can log it down. I'm having that sort of a problem right now, since I seem to forget stuff all the time. So much for being a scatterbrain.

Anyway, I was thinking of quitting Kendo. It's not so much of being unable to cope as being unable to bear the heat. *gah!* The armor is seriously warm and given how much I sweat even in light clothing, I probably wouldn't manage well. It is a pity, given the fact that I think I'm managing fine, and that my skills are improving. Perhaps I should just move to a cooler place and take it up there. *laughs*

Drivin' on 12 hours

I was well rested today, given my wonderful 12 hours of sleep. I really wonder how I'd managed to do that, in the first place. Feeling well rested, I'd managed to breeze through the driving lesson. It was one of the very few times I'd actually managed to handle things without grumbled at for doing things at the wrong time (normally because I'm feeling a little woozy and not really taking stock of happenings). So, here's to a successful driving test attempt. I really hope to make it on the first shot. It just means so much to me. Gambatte!

Nature Vs Nurture

Just when one would think that war and terrorism would be the worst things to hit humanity, nature decides to up the ante by inflicting another great kill count upon mankind. Nature vs the nurture of our greatest killers? No contest.

Anyway, it's rather ironic that the USA is so able to handle international incidents while having one hell of a time handling this terrible tragedy back home. I'd always felt that the defense of the homeland is far more important than pre-emptive strikes, especially when the action may lead to overextension of limited military assets. The military has always managed to step in and assist in such crises, but they happened to be away when they were needed most. Anyway, my prayers go out to the survivors of this calamity and I hope they have all the help they can get. New Orleans was a truly vibrant, beautiful city and I hope that it will be rebuilt better than it originally was.

Think Different

I was looking at the other laptops in the stores, and examined the catches on the laptop displays. I noted how most of them had hooks that stuck out. Others had no visible hooks as the displays were spring-loaded to stay closed when shut. I went home and had a good look at my ibook and wondered how the cover stayed shut. I had noticed the catch on it but never really bothered to figure out how it worked. So I closed it and heard the familiar click as the catch engaged. I looked into the gap and saw the hook switch down just when the lid was nearly shut. Very subtle. Moreover, as the catch wasn't exposed most of the time, it had a reduced chance of being knocked and thus broken off. Think Different! *laughs*

Heaven's a Lie

Yes. I still do like Lacuna Coil. A lot.

I was reading The Last Legion by Valerio Massimo Manfredi. It's quite a relief after finishing Dan Brown's Angels and Demons. Seriously, I do feel that the Dan Brown novel was even worse than the Da Vinci Code. To me, Angels and Demons was like the Da Vinci Code, only with hardly any veiling for trivia snippets and a rather less compelling storyline. The Last Legion, on the other hand, is more of a cinematic production stuffed into a book. The scenarios presented are vivid (as would be expected from the historian/archaeologist) and have depth to them. Even the period trivia pertaining to the story are well-woven into the storyline rather than sticking out like an appendix snippet within the prose. The story is set around 476CE, the time of Romulus Augustus and the fall of the western Roman empire. While I am not well-read when it comes to the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, I dare say that I did manage to form a rather clear picture of each scene as it plays out and that lends an authenticity to the story which is absent in Angels and Demons. I really did enjoy reading this text.


Peace

There is no anger,
only the peaceful, still leaves.
Change comes as change goes.

Klaatu verata nikto!

Klaatu*mumblekoffkoff* Yes. That word is haunting me again! Argh! I'll never escape it's evil clutches and the dead will rise again and lope around for no good reason at all! It's so very supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (and for no good reason at all). Yes, indeed, Evil Dead was perhaps one of the most senseless of all the zombie flicks I had ever watched. Worst of all, what's stuck in my head is not "groovy" but KLAATU VERATA NIKTO! I'll have to find an opportunity to use that word around an arcane tome when the zombies are about. Yes...I am talking about my maths textbook. Why dost thou torment me so?

The Chocolate Factory

I had just watched Charlie and The Chocolate Factory today. I'll never look at chocolate the same way ever again. I still feel that Jim Carrey would probably have done a better job at being a zany Willy Wonka. I think he did a great job at portraying Wonka as a rather disturbed character. He did lend a rather sinister overtone to the character, however. Why oh why was Saruman bringing Willy Wonka up? No wonder he grew up all weird. I do not think that this was Johnny Depp's best performance though I can't really think of him as a Michael Jackson analogue of sorts. All that richness and desire to be a father figure. Not to mention that wonderful complexion. Anyway, I'd really appreciated the Edward Scissorhands moment with those large scissors. I'm still wondering why Deep Roy seemed to have far more air time than Johnny Depp! Unfair!
Anyway, the show left me with a craving for Oompa Loompas and whipped cream. I'd been enjoying Willy Wonka candies before the reading book and watching the film. I'm happy to say that the film was Actually Good(tm). While it was actually a dark rendition of Roald Dahl's story, it wasn't overtly violent or grotesque. Violet's transformation was nowhere near as gross as those in Gremlins and the like. I feel that it was rather faithful to the original story and having the Oompa Loompas dancing to their satirical songs was a rather nice touch. So I'm gona give this movie the thumbs up. Two thumbs. One's for Depp.

Off the Radar

It's sad how websites actually go out of business from lack of funding. I had heard that one webmaster was going broke only after the site dropped clean off the radar. It was disconcerting, given the fact that I was accessing the blogs hosted on the site and realized that it was gone only when the plug was pulled. After assuming that the site had probably moved, I'd yahoo'ed it and came up with this rather sad site. I'd know, since I always seem to encounter Webmaster declaring that they need funding and everything, but never really saw any drop off just like that.

So, I guess the selfish me would have assumed that they were just interested in getting more money above and beyond what they'd get from advertising. This may be the case for some, but others may be in real trouble. Well, there goes Amberspace. Just another dose of reality, Fenrir.

Decisiveness

If ever there was a regret in my life, I would say that it was a lack of decisiveness. I am too indecisive, so much so that I had actually let outside forces hold the reins when I should have pulled them myself. I have learned a new thing, but the problem would be that too many things had been done that are irreversible. Too many discourses are going on inside my head, full of "What-ifs" and their insidious ilk. Very bad for mental stability. I feel that there is no point trying to tell this to anyone else, since one who is content to "go with the flow" would likely be disinclined to heed the words. Besides, there is always a possibility that going with the flow would turn out swimmingly without personal intervention. I guess the lyric "You don't know what you've got till it's gone" would be rather apt in this context. At this moment, one cannot conceivably turn the clock back and so one can only go forward in time. It's much better to not have to look back with regret though it may be part and parcel of life. Wise words and reality are hard to reconcile. Yeah sure. Someone could go like accept the facts of life and bla bla. How many can accept that at an intellectual level at least? And would believing in something like that for the sake of happiness constitute being true to oneself?

A Fenrisian question: If you had been given a choice to be reborn without the pet peeve, would you take that chance? And if you did, did you just choose to sacrifice what you are now? Self and choice. If a problem were made to have never existed at all, one would never have thought of this in the first place. Ignorance would probably be bliss, but consciously choosing ignorance for the sake of bliss would be a form of self-betrayal. Or would being "happy" be the greatest thing one can bestow upon oneself, whether the happiness is born of ignorance or closure...

A Shallow View

I am amused by how marketing and politics are so similar. Politicans make their sales pitch and then claim credit for their kills. It's probably the underlings or engineers (in a Dilbertean context) who'd be slogging to make stuff for the figureheads to dump on others. And when things get rough, people always wind up going after the politicians. So it all flows down, pushed to the engineers/researchers and whatnot. It is only the high level screw-ups that shake things up enough to cause the brass to take a beating.

A stick, a stone, a broken bone and a fallen word by the wayside

A stray phrase. It may not have much meaning to most people, but it may change the life of someone forever. Make your impression on the world today! Write something.

The human psyche works in strange ways. Just like how a song can stay in the head for no apparent reason, a single line of text (spoken or otherwise) may become someone's life motto. With great power...whatever. So this is a bit like what one might learn in Chaos Theory and stuff. Perhaps Hitler became what he was only because of a single phrase. Then again, maybe not. Just speculation, of course. The best part about speculating like this is that it's nearly impossible to prove that theory wrong. Hence, there would actually be some chance that I am right. Wow. Anyway, I was just wondering about how my insignificant writings would turn out before they faded into obscurity forever. Would someone pick them up and never credit them? Would they be quoted into eternity? Immortality through words so that the author may retire.

Goodbyes

Oops. There goes another. One of my friends has had a positive response for admission to an overseas uni. I guess I'm happy for him. Anyway, I'm running out of friends here, at the rate they're shipping out! Leave me behind, why don't you all. *sob*

So anyway, dark stuff time. I'm just keeping a record of my thoughts. Memory is just a record. Bla bla. At the moment, I'm probably having a serious suicidal thought a few days a week. Well, I can't say that they're actually serious since I find suicide a great dishonour. It's more like a thought of just ending it all. I get that a lot, actually. From myself, that is.

I was just thinking about business and how some people say that it's like an informed kind of gambling. I'd think so, really. Economic models are good estimates at best. Periodic fluctuations can and often destroy apparently sound investments. The principle of an economy running on hot air is simple: No matter where you are, everyone is always connected. That, and the Butterfly Effect.

Thinking

Why do people think? What do they think about when they say that they are thinking? Why is it that they can never seem to actually answer the question when it's asked?

Anyway, so I now understand how Kendo is so different from combat swordsmanship. There are many limitations to the authorized strikes, and I find myself using strokes I had never really used prior to the lessons. So, I think that this would be a good opportunity for me to hone my skills further and fix a certain weakness in my regular technique. Self-improvement. Like it.

Reaching Out From Beyond The Grave

Why, oh why doth thou torment us so, Shakespeare! Reaching from beyond the grave to make us understand your words! Well, I don't actually hate Shakespeare, but I'm really wondering why Shakespeare has to appear all over the place when it comes to literary studies. Don't answer that. Anyway, I'd decided to rewrite The Tempest in prose, just to prove to myself that I actually understand the story, and to incorporate my interpretations into the narrative. Something like killing two birds with one stone. It also makes it easier for me to go through the text quickly without missing stuff out.

I was meditating on my poor performance on day 1. I now understand that perhaps I was actually pulling my strokes. That means that I was not really allowing my hits to land. That's a bit of self-discipline I'd believed in, which is in not landing hits to deadly effect unless you mean it. Quite forgotten about the fact that the armor actually prevents the wearer from feeling any real pain. I'll keep that in mind during the next session.

Head boppin'

First day. Introduction to Kendo. I think I suck at it (like all the newbies do). Then again, I was pulling all my strikes since I didn't want to really jar the head of the guys in armor. That's mainly because I don't know my own strength. *laughs* Anyway, it does look interesting and I like it. Hence, I shall be going for the sessions. I think it'd be great fun! I'd always wanted to take up Kendo sometime and now's my chance.

Peacedale

I'm so seriously surprised. I was thinking of a name of a cemetery to use in my story, and Peacedale came to mind. Since it had sounded like a rather sensible name, I'd decided to run a search on it to see what came up. I was half hoping to not get a hit since people reading the story would probably compare it to the real life Peacedale cemetery if it had existed. To my chagrin, it did (though not entirely unexpected). It would appear that the banks of a stream near to Peacedale Cemetery in Bristol, Connecticut was known to be haunted by a white wolf. Now, it is uncertain whether there's an error in the article, but it's rather unlikely that even people with emotional problems would want to seek out a ghostly white wolf. Perhaps the "sought" in the article was meant to be "sighted", which would undermine the credibility of the reports. Nobody really believes what emotionally disturbed people see (not even themselves, sometimes). Anyway, so the character in my story actually had deep emotional problems and Fenrir's a wolf. Wow. *laughs*

Self and... self.

I was thinking about the situation I'm in and how hard it always seems to be to find happiness. And then I saw the unfortunates around my neighbourhood. Some were terribly poor, and others were disabled or deformed. Self pity does little good for anyone and it is extremely selfish at best. I guess one has to count one's blessings at least, since nobody is actually born perfect. One might seek a perfect life, but one must understand that there are always tradeoffs for certain perks. It is just a matter of how much one is actually prepared to sacrifice. So people feel that not having a personal life is a fair tradeoff for extra money. Fine, then. Anyway, this is just for telling myself to not wallow in self-pity, no matter how terrible life may seem.

The rain in Spain...

It's been raining for most of the day. I was at a lecture when I heard a strange sound that kept getting louder. I had assumed at first that it was the air conditioning. A quick glance to the window at the back of the lecture hall told the tale, though: It was raining. And quite heavily, too. (Note to Fenrir: Yeah. The maths lecture was terrible, but that was to be expected. I think the bio moudle would go swimmingly.) Anyway, I feel that rain doesn't actually lower my morale the way it does with others'. I guess it's because bright sunlight hurts my eyes somewhat, and I feel less stressed when the clouds are providing me cover.

I'm not really over my little low at the moment. Was on the bus when I'd overheard a guy talking to his friends about financial aid from the institution. I believe that it had something to do with his family. I'd felt a little sorry for him since I'm in a similar albeit watered down version of his situation. So anyway, that made me think of someone who was on scholarship and was forced by the company to study a rather undesirable subject combination. I guess that's the way it is with studies and obligations. And then I'm also confused about my choices. It's something like choosing between studying what I like and am good at (but is also not really in demand) and what I'm ok at and don't really like (but is marketable). It's really a matter of what I'd wind up doing with my certificates. I don't think I'd actually enjoy mainstream employment, and thus my concept of success in life doesn't directly coincide with others'. It's hard to ask the opinions of others, then. I guess I'll just go with my gut for now.

Another time, another place.

Ok here I am again, just sitting in front of my desktop and hammering at the keys. The addition to the Family is interesting, though. My Mac's sitting on my lap like a rather warm cat. (Feels just about as heavy, too. It's even got the slight vibrations to signal that it's alive.) I think it's nice to have two systems running at once, lulling me to sleep with their humming, whining and all the various computer-related noises they make. That, along with my mp3s playing in the background. Still feeling rather down today, though I can't really explain it. Actually, I think that I am just being depressed again and all, since I'm having these chocolate cravings. I always seem to have chocolate cravings when I'm going to feel down. Cause and effect? Chicken and egg?

So anyway, that aside, I'd just had my first batch of lectures on my literature-related modules. It's sweet to be finally studying stuff that I actually understand. In fact, one study module had seemed to be so similar to what I do on a daily basis that I've a feeling that I wouldn't really need to study for it. That remains to be seen, however. *crosses fingers*

Now, to the audience (including you, Fenrir!). Why the hell am I writing this, and why the hell are there people reading it? Just wondering, actually. I guess it's ok to whine once in a way. My blog's a whine repository anyway. Venting is good. Helps prevent pent up frustrations from becoming destructive when explosively released.

That Thing You Do

Yeah, and so like I'm doing the PMS'y thing again. I was shopping with mom when she suddenly stopped to avoid one of those hand-operated crate lifters. Being directly behind her, I bumped into her and promptly lost my cool, blurting, "Hey! Move it." I'm always irritated by the way she always stops for stuff that can be simply dodged or walked over. So, like, she went all quiet and started evading me. I got rather riled up and so I just headed home without saying a word.

Ok, so I knew that I was being rude and all, but I really didn't (and still don't) knoe why I was being so touchy. I guess it could be due to the fact that she had roused me a little early and that I was half asleep. Never be anywhere near me when I'm half asleep. It's a health hazard. Mental, physical, whatever.

So by the morning light...

Was just listening to Anywhere by Evanescence. Now, I know that many of my friends do not like Evanescence very much, but I dare say that I like the lyrics a whole lot. I guess it's just because of the group's apparent gothic image despite their claims to the contrary.

I believe in dreams and in chasing them. That is why I am so affected by them. I believe in chasing one's dreams despite how hopeless a situation may seem. If one is unhappy with one's condition and place in life, chasing dreams may be everything that's required to break free from the mire of hopelessness and move towards a happier existence. Chasing what some may regard as false hopes may be potentially self-destructive, but it may also lead to transcendence. I think that only those who refuse to step away from their comfort zone of "reality" would be unable to go beyond the bounds. I am a dreamer, and always will be, I guess.

The Mac Saga

Yes...I am still working at my new Navi. I dare say, though, that everything is going swimmingly. I had just obtained a sweet little pink mouse should I have a proper place to deploy the laptop. Not just any pink. "Sakura pink". It's compact and *with a touch of irony* made by Microsoft. The instructions on the mouse manual and warranty card were all in japanese, so it was a fairly lucky thing that I can read some of it. So, anyway, I'd just managed to get the mac to access some of my email and regretted it immediately: The entire load of desirable and undesirable emails just flooded my inbox. Everything was a mess for a moment there until I'd sifted through the rubble. Now my mp3 collection is safely on my iBook and I guess everything's gona be just fine. Actually, I am rather surprised at the ease with which I had managed to set stuff up on the Mac, given the fact that I had totally no experience fiddling with such stuff. Idiot proofed indeed. Well, that or because Microsoft had copied much from the OS.

The Pains of Birth

My iBook has finally arrived and I'd taken pretty much the entire afternoon just trying to figure out how to connect it to my PC through a LAN. Given the fact that most of my friends are either PC or Mac users and that they have routers, I am in a good position to say that I actually had a tough time doing just this simple task. I try not to impose on others, but this is unavoidable because of my lack of skill in this area. Anyway, I owe this feat to a couple of my friends. One's used to doing networking stuff and it's because of him that I'd managed to actually run the initial config. The other guy was more of a Mac user, so he understood my problem a little better. Between the two of them, I'd actually managed to get the job done. Banzai tomodachi! Anyway, I am now doing what would probably sprain the brains of some people: Running two different OS' at once and constantly switching between the two. I really like the specs of my iBook, though. 1.42ghz, 1gig ram and 60gb hdd. Fairly hefty for a laptop, and at a reasonable price, too! Guess the weight and compatibility issues are the only gripes I'd have about it. Currently trying to run the battery down for calibration and I'm finding that it's taking a rather long time. Fascinating.

All's well with the earth

Alright, I've succcessfully obtained the study modules I like and I am really quite pleased about it all. Everything feels right when you're studying the right stuff, apparently. I would dare say that it is a huge morale boost. I've been a bit stressed since school had started and I guess I'm now getting back into the swing of things. So here goes!

I've also been fascinated by this particular track by Loreena McKennitt, entitled The Highwayman. I think I rather do like tragic stories for some reason. Perhaps it is because I am feeling that pang of self-pity which I had been trying to keep down all the while. I know at an intellectual level that I am not supposed to just feel sad about myself and all, but there really isn't much that I can do at this juncture to fix things. I still have a long way to go so I guess I'll just have to hang tough. Got to finish school, work, save up, ship out of the coop and get a house bla bla. I hope that I am not delaying things too much, winding up too old to enjoy myself by the time I manage to set everything up. It sucks, being set back by a couple years.

Post of the Month

I'm in love with this mouse. *hinthint* Just how often can we have everything on a single Apple mouse? They had finally given in and addded a second button to those things. Go Apple!

All I can say is that I am rather messed up. Been trying to write but I've been feeling that my story isn't turning out as well as it should because of the plot holes and stuff. That is, not to mention the lack of focus I'd been experiencing lately. I do hope that it will pass.

The Geek

I'm is officially a geek. Here's a transcript of what had transpired:

[friend1]u going swimming?

[me]oh wait...is it available online?

[friend2]HOW GEEKY IS THAT!

[friend2]LOL!

Now, I've a certain penchant for searching for all sorts of data online. Like I really don't know what I'd do were it not for my Navi. *hug* Anyway, I was doing my usual thing and had figured that information pertaining to the opening and closing times of the swimming complex would be conveniently posted on a related website. My response, understandably, was rather hilarious when read by a third party (namely, my friend). No, I do *not* swim online and yes, do please make an effort to take me out of context.

Well, for the rest of the day, I'd gone and reencountered The Gender Genie which is a scripted site with an algorithm for approximating an author's gender. I am rather skeptical when it comes to the algorithm's accuracy because people from different regions have different writing styles and "like" need not be a word per se for it is often used as a figure of speech. Take everything with an ocean's mass in salt, says I.