Growing

Hopefully, everyone grows over time, in various ways. However, the most important thing about growing is knowing when growth occurs, and if it is in the right direction. The basis of comparison is between past and present, so I guess records play a huge part in making that happen.

Unfortunately, memory is a rather faulty medium of record taking. There's a tendency towards omissions and embellishments. If the memory isn't faded at the time of recollection, it's probably inaccurate anyway.

For my shooting, I guess what I do appreciate is my own tendency not to throw things out. Especially digital things. Not necessarily a good habit, but handy in this instance. I remember (with my faulty memory, of course) the first photography lessons I took, and how I talked about the photography greats back then as if it were a new discovery.

At that time, I dare say my shots were...well...crap. They still are now, but they're crap mk ii. Yet the only way I could've known that for sure was to actually grab the old ones, laugh at them, then laugh at the current ones...only a little less loudly. Sometimes louder, in fact, if they turned out worse than the ones I took a couple years back.

I guess what's true about shooting is basically what McCurry said about his own shooting: It's basically 1 great shot in 1000 others. I used to believe that the great masters made a masterpiece in every shot they took. But after hearing accounts from other people in the business, it's really a matter of a whole load of effort, with the experience and skill to back up those attempts. Probably some luck, too.

Still, I think that's where the difference between an accomplished and a novice shooter will lie: The accomplished shooter will fire 30'000 shots in order to get the scoop. The novice will fire 30'000 and still not get it. Maybe one day I'll find my way out of n00b'land. One day.

The Nature Of Mortality

Mortality is a most curious thing. It's a big pile of steaming denial. People are born only to die, after all. That's the lot of mortals. Yet when I was informed that my friend finally managed to take herself out today, the revelation just got me meditating on mortality.

She never really died. The thing is, though I couldn't really feel her in the mortal realm for some time, I never did manage to trust the more subtle senses. But she only managed to die today, just about 2 months after she bought the farm. Screw the euphemisms. She died. And successfully, this time.

Yet ultimately, tragic or no, the death of a human is just an inevitability turned reality. It's the knowledge of death proper that brings closure to a doomed life anyway. Farrah Fawcett died. Michael Jackson died. It's pretty fashionable for mortal beings, after all. But then many still feel the unusual oh it's so surprising that so and so was alive yesterday, and dead today.

What fascinates me is that my friend basically became a Schrodinger's cat for awhile, being neither dead nor alive in my cognition due to ignorance (I did think her dead, but didn't manage to verify that), until the moment of closure came and I was like ah! so it's true. To be sure, I never really did have much faith in her survivability given her worsening mental state, but I guess death does interesting things to one's psyche. For one, I think she's basically experienced a net improvement in her mental state, if it still exists. Since I don't sincerely believe in a hell for humans (not permanently anyway) and the Christian assurance of heaven (though quite pretty creepy to me), I think she's better off regardless the actual presence of an afterlife. Nonetheless I do say: Rest in peace, eh? Oh, and I think one of my CDs is still at your place.

P.S. Fawcett has great taste in cameras. She was handling an E1 with an FL-50. Mmmm...

Blade: The Series

I like vampire stories for some odd reason. They're...fascinating. But nobody should mistake Blade for a vampire story. I just enjoy it as a soap of sorts. Basically, the series is a whole bunch of blood/fang porn and has a most amusing Assassin's Creed logic.

One funny thing about these pop vampire thingummies is that the narratives are basically excuses to bare fang, drink blood and maybe fight a little while they're at it. Admittedly, I do like a good cultural show, and Blade has some cheesy culture in it. Not quite classy or realistic, and chock full of continuity errors, but I guess I grow attached to such things, if only to see where they go.

Mmm...but the Assassin's Creed logic never fails to tickle me. Just as Altair somehow manages to go around unnoticed while bristling with weapons, Blade can walk around looking like a silver-decked vampire slayer with a katana on his back, and nobody bats an eyelid. Seriously. He can clomp through a hospital with his trenchcoat and boots, then draw a gun and nobody ever seems to notice. Nobody ever calls the cops on the heavily armed fella marching down their corridors. Admittedly, the only ones who ever seem to notice are the baddies.

Now, I know vampires are able to use glamors or other ways to influence the human mind, but that does not seem to be the kind of thing for Blade vampires. They're mostly the highly physical sort that prefer to go at it with fists, blades and guns, often in that order. Interestingly enough, that Assassin's Creed logic never seems to be explained. I can only assume that the assassin gains special benefits just for being an assassin: Nobody ever notices that you've got a shitload of weapons all over you. =p

Being Value-Free

I like to think of myself as value-free, of being quite logical in thinking. Yet I realize that it is quite impossible to be value-free in the first place. Even the being value-free is a value in itself. Among others, I also believe in personal freedom (within rather liberal limits) and individuality.

With the guidance of those values, I am really quite incapable of value-free thought. The best I can do, perhaps, is to be quite relativistic and arbitrary, which would pretty much piss off anyone who believes that people should be consistent.

That would also be a problem in doing analyses, and perhaps the best thing I could do would be to state my stand early on, and perhaps list the values amongst the limitations to make it clear that I have not actually made a value-free judgment. Then again, that would beg the question of whether it is in fact possible to be truly value-free, and if there was actually any benefit to being so.

The Centurion

My new system was fitted into a Coolermaster Centurion casing, which I promptly assumed to be a primarily showy piece that's quite impractical to take down and clean out with any sort of frequency. Well, I'm glad that I was dead wrong about that.

I had to take it apart to give my ram another upgrade, and then I noticed the metal plates blocking the drive bays. Now, all casings have some form of these: The thin plates that must be pulled out in order to fit new drives in. Unfortunately, try as I might, I really couldn't remove them. Obviously, I had to take the pesky front panel out, and I had no clue as to how I would go about doing that. The front panel appeared to be fixed in place with plastic split knobs, and no visible screws. I assumed that the knobs were a PITA to deal with. The wires were running out of it and I was loathe to have them come out.

Then I tried tugging on the front panel. It gave slightly, so I tugged a bit harder to see how I would remove it. Then the entire panel came out in my hand. The first thing I noticed was the elegance of the design, since the wired parts were actually set into a separate panel. That meant that I could easily take the casing apart to remove the grills and free up the drive bays, and to remove those pesky metal plates which were interfering with my airflow.

After successfully removing the plates, I noted that the airflow was significantly improved. For one, the entire front panel is now a completely freed intake. Frankly, I don't know why the early casings weren't designed this way. During the days of relatively low power computing, the generous front intake could easily allow for passive cooling. Ah, well. I like my Centurion =p

The Pursuit Of Pain And Pleasure

While science and technology appear to have advanced greatly since millennia past, the cognitions of humans seem to have strayed little from that of their ancestors. Arguably humans are still little more than animals, or perhaps at most poorly calibrated automatons programmed for the pursuit of pleasure and avoidance of pain.

Take the average person and put him in a room with numerous other individuals. Ensure that one exit remains, then light a fire that spreads rapidly through the room. Predictably, all the individuals will move as one, pressing urgently against one another in an effort to get out as quickly as possible. Despite the efforts to train humans in the procedures of fire evacuations, it seems inevitable that their animal instincts for the avoidance of pain will take over, and the incredible agony from the sheer heat will drive the conditioning right out of their heads.

The pursuit of pleasure is yet another problem. Where no pain is involved, the presence and absence of pleasure will suffice as a motivator. An example is the liking for potato chips despite the associated health and weight problems. The quest for survival here does not seem to apply, since even data indicating the harmfulness of such things merely sinks in at a conscious level but is quickly laid aside in the face of immediate gratification. Admittedly, I am not immune to such lures.

What would be most interesting is evolving the psyche to enhance the ability to suppress such non-constructive drives in order to channel that energy and attention towards something better.

The Lycosa

Right, then. I finally got tired of my noisy old Prodikeys and figured I'd like to reward myself with something...classy. Well it was a tough decision between the vanilla keyboards and gaming keyboards, and I kept asking myself...is the darned thing worth it. Now, there are undoubtedly loads of vanilla boards out there, but most were ugly, had bad layouts, combinations of both and all that rot. Basically, nothing fit.

Then I spotted the Razer Lycosa (http://www.razerzone.com/gaming-keyboards/razer-lycosa/razer-lycosa-keyboard). Damn. A decision like that would do horrible things to my nonexistent street cred. I mean, I've already got Razer stuff on my desk. Computer table. Whatever. I call it my Navi. Razer fan just didn't cut it. Then again, I never like letting street cred get in the way of what I want and what I like. I liked the layout, the shape and basically the no frills buttons. I never know what to do with a zillion macro buttons anyway, and the Tarantula just well...it had a gawdawful delete button cluster. Anyhoo, it became a grudge match between the Lycosa, Arctosa and Lycosa Mirror. The Arctosa rapidly fell out of the game because of the lack of backlighting. Only the Arctosa and Mirror were left. Now, I would've taken the Mirror except for the downright silly fact that it's just one big fingerprint magnet, and didn't have rubberized keys! The real unique selling point of the original Lycosa was the rubberized keys that felt oh so good. And, well, I heard it was a rather quiet keyboard. Lycosa it was.

I like to think of backlighting as a really nice aesthetic option. When I'm feeling like having a nice glow from my keyboard, I keep them on. When I'm sick of lights, I have something that's like Das Keyboard. Neat. Slim, low profile, small size. Neat, too. Rubberized keys...now that's something else. It's like having a keyboard version of my Lachesis. Smexy feel. Probably gona be a bitch to clean eventually, but hey...it's the feeling, man. Besides, this keyboard's really responsive. No squishy buttons here, and the thing didn't rattle as I was pounding on it.

Now for the nasty bits. I didn't like that they had the silicone nipples under the buttons integrated with the rest of the keyboard mat. That basically meant I'd have a much harder time getting each key replaced if/when they broke. I'd probably replace the keyboard before then out of its invariable morphing into sheer ugly gunkiness, but that's my pet peeve. Oh, and the keyboard's not exactly silent, but it is quieter.

Anyhoo...after shopping around a lot, I found a store that sold it at a rather lower price than the rest. Hey...it's their overheads, man. Got my new toy and I'm now happily pounding away on it. I can see its health bar going down down down already...

Lovebombing: A Useless Tactic

There are times when I wonder at the methods of some...less savory organizations. Apparently, one way they gain recruits is to "lovebomb" them. That is, to express strongly and repeatedly the members' love for the new recruit, thus gaining their trust, friendship and quite an unshakable faith.

It puzzles me how such a tactic can work. Ok let's assume for one that I do not notice that the love is fake. As in something uttered from lips with little substance to back it up. Doesn't seem particularly attractive. Someone talking about love all day would probably make me feel seriously ill, and I might just silence them by some rather unpleasant means. Seriously. I don't feel bad about taking extreme measures when someone's being that annoying.

Then assume that I somehow want to receive such affections. I guess that would require me to be in quite a receptive state. As in needing that kind of love. I don't know...never actually believed in that sort of love. The love that I believe in cannot be expressed in words; only in actions. It does make me wonder, though, how people can be seriously convinced into believing that mere words and a few superficial deeds can buy them a new family. Then it makes me think...man what's become of the state of families nowadays?!

On Bioshock

Bioshock is undoubtedly a really well designed game. It plays like a level 1 all the way from the beginning to end. By level 1 I mean the way most games are rather well designed for the initial levels, then the other levels just fade into a blur as they become quite formulaic. That's surprising considering that Bioshock basically has only one art style.

That said, the atmosphere is absolutely terrific. Subtle sound cues, the sounds of Rapture coming apart, all set to the calm 50's music create a grand contrast to what's going on in the game world. That is, not forgetting the groans and stomping of Big Daddies, of course. Combined with a believable city going to ruins, the levels are really somthing.

The levels are special because of gate events (allowing access to different areas) while having a really handcrafted look throughout the game. There are always items in likely and unlikely places, encouraging and rewarding explorers. The constant respawning of enemies here and there would keep the conquerer types busy. Even achievers and socializers aren't left out, what with the rewards for doing well and the suggestion of sentience in the enemies (while not "real", the illusion's pretty good). Moreover, the key players are fleshed out with the tape recordings that are scattered throughout the game.

The weapon upgrades and "magic" abilites (Plasmids) are also fully customizable to the player's gameplay style, and the weapons system rewards players who go out of their way to explore the levels. More importantly, the game does not force players to move forward, which is a great annoyance in other games where exploration just does not seem worthwhile. A touch of Fatal Frame, with the photography and upgrades is a nice touch, too. Hell, even the hacking is nice in having players playing a minigame, though admittedly it got old after while because I made it a point to hack everything in sight. Who wouldn't =p

What's interesting is how the pacing of the game is so tightly tied in with the tutorials. When something is about to happen, the player is warned in overt and subtle ways. Sometimes the voiceover instructs directly. At other times, the instruction is hinted at in the monologue. Even the game environments start off looking rather pristine (suggesting a rather well-maintained Rapture) and then becoming increasingly torn up as the core areas are evidenced to be sites of great conflict.

I especially liked the twist in the story, and how the player's actions can, to a limited extent, vary the gameplay. Specifically: Will you harvest or save the Little Sisters? Moreover, the madness at the heart of Rapture is rather well played out. Steinman's madness is seen to clearly progress as the player gets closer to him.

Given what's been achieved so far, I really do wonder if Bioshock 2 would be able to repeat the success of its predecessor. There's always the temptation to tweak what already works, and there are always those pesky publishing deadlines... Ah, well. There's just so much to learn from Bioshock.

Terminator: Salvation

Another installment in the interminable Terminator line. Sometimes it makes one wonder if the series of movies will ever end. Of course, this being Terminator, my expectations of the movie have been watered down somewhat. After all, this is meant to be a "cultural" show with lots of special effects, and it doesn't fail to deliver.

Oh, did I mention that the show's got the hunky Christian Bale and Sam Worthington in there? Now, while it would be rather satisfying to see them duke it out, sometimes it's just sufficient to have 'em showing up. Pity about the absence of washboard abs this time round, but hey we can't expect every movie to be 300.

I suppose what pleased me the most about the show was that it was full of boss fights. Now, most movies nowadays revolve around massacring wave after wave of enemies to get at whatever it is to blow it up. Simple enough. However, in Salvation, we've got the typical virtually indestructible terminator bots, which while few in number, can really dish it out before going down.

I also liked the Bioshock twist in the show, though of course that would be a spoiler so I shan't include it here. Suffice to know that Arnie's obligatory appearance is somewhere in there. Anyway, one thing I never got about the Machines is that, unlike in The Matrix, they never seem to get down to using swarm tactics. One would think that if people had such difficulty with their small number of T-bots, they'd be totally overrun if say 3 T-bots decided to show up all at once. Moreover, why doesn't machine city have like loads of super long range, hyper-accurate sniper rifles to take down infiltrators?

Nonetheless, the movie is a bit more "realistic" than the usual stuff out there. For once, not every vehicle's a pinto. Things actually take some effort to blow up, and not every enemy blows up in the resultant explosions (where's the fun in that? =p). Overall, I'd say the movie gets a 8/10, which is fairly generous for any other movie, but this...is Terminator.

Can Values Be Arbitrary?

When a perspective is taken, it is often done in relation to others. It creates the illusion of non-arbitrariness, because there is a point of comparison. For example, the standards of morality are compared with that of the rest of the world, other cultures or even the past. In relation to those, one finds one's value.

Yet values do not have actual "value" attached to them. They cannot be evaluated in isolation. In fact, that sounds dangerously like arbitrariness already. Worse yet, the very selection of the points of comparison cannot help but be arbitrary, because they are compared with something that has no intrinsic value to begin with.

Where is the standard of validity, then? While it is easy enough to invoke the supernatural and to point out historical precedents, I think it is difficult to deny that values can and are arbitrary. After acknowledging this, there is nothing wrong with accepting arbitrary values. However, it must then be acknowledged that since they are arbitrary, values can actually be changed. They are certainly not set in stone.

The Arts

When I consider the origins of the Arts, my current conclusion is that they come from a sense of comfort. They are the result of a certain spontaneity born of comfort, for doing something in exchange for nothing. The state of comfort may even arise within a time and space of tumult, when one finally is at peace with the condition of the surroundings, and finally gains the sufficient detachment to feel that sort of comfort. No time or space is ever absolutely perfect, so the state of perceived perfection must come from a form of detachment.

However, that spontaneity cannot arise from a constant crisis mindset. When one feels constantly harried, at risk of one's life and that society is on the brink of collapse, it is difficult to feel creative because one is constantly struggling to survive, and has no time for the creativity that comes with comfort.

Ultimately, there must be a point of acceptance, whereby the chaos of life is momentarily tamed, and one watches from a distance, then makes works that awe and inspire. Yet the creativity cannot come without some measure of chaos, otherwise it takes the form of normalcy and challenges nothing. In being unchallenging, it becomes difficult to awe and inspire. Without that, how can something be called art?

The Standards Of Others

The standards of others, like the standards one sets for oneself, are likely to be arbitrary. The standards set by society, however, are likely to be even more arbitrary, because the first is set for an individual or a small group of people, but the other is set for a massive number of people. Living by the standards imposed by others can be a major drawback, since one becomes constrained by arbitrary standards that do not challenge one's abilities to the fullest.

The greatest weakness is the desire to seek approval. While some may claim to strive for greatness, and that greatness is an intrinsic desire, there may yet be a desire to become great and thereby gain approval for that attained position. Such satisfaction does not feel true to me, because it comes from others and not myself.

The standards of the self, though arbitrary, are way more satisfying. This is simply due to having standards tailored to my own limitations, finding those limitations and breaking beyond them. Of course, I am still trying to cultivate ever more self-awareness, such that the standards become less arbitrary and more true to my personal abilities. To me, that is the way of growth. Not just to cling to any established standard that may be beneath me, yet convincing myself that since I have matched a lower standard, I am content.

Living For Others

Many societies are conditioning their respective members to basically live for others. Living for others involves doing things for the sake of gaining others' approval, being better than others, and other sorts of extrinsic motivations. I guess it works well (in theory) as a method of social control, but I personally believe that living for oneself will ultimately trump the concept of living for others.

I am not saying that one needs to be completely selfish and ignore the needs of others, or even to be a complete asshole to everyone else. While some modicum of charity and civility should be maintained for the benefit of all, the motivation for such actions should not be for the sake of one's public "face" (I'd look good doing this). Instead, I believe that rendering social good should be from one's own desire to benefit others (not from some fuzzy concept of "social good"), otherwise one can skip the step. "Doing good" with the implicit expectation of having it reciprocated in some way is a good recipe for disappointment: Even if others are feeling charitable, their charity might not fall on you.

The alternative is not to have society/community before self, but indeed to have self before all. I would say Love Yourself. It may sound selfish and self-centred, but I believe loving oneself is the root of love for everything else. As they say, being IN love is a weakness, but having love in YOURSELF is strength. Intrinsic motivators are incredibly powerful because nothing on the outside can shake them. If a teacher would suddenly choose to dislike me, I would still be motivated to work just as hard. If the teacher's negative bias were to cause my grades to suffer, I would still know that I did my best and the fault is not my own.

This is not to say that one should have blind faith in oneself. Blind faith is also a form of weakness in choosing to believe something regardless of the facts. If I did not do my best when studying, it would be foolishness to think that I did and therefore deserved my own grades. One also needs to recognize one's own weaknesses and to overcome them. When one can fully live for oneself, one is secure in one's own being, and can eventually get to doing things for others, because one is finally secure in the motivations for one's own actions.

Ascetism And Pleasure

I find some religions very strange in the contradictions between ascetism and the pursuit of pleasure. Now, some do instruct their followers to deny worldly things in pursuit of enlightenment of some form. That seems like an interesting enough proposition, considering that the assumption is that the world is something everyone wants to get away from. Life sucks enough as it is, eh?

Then comes the problem. The ultimate result of ascension is some form of eternal pleasure. Now, I can understand that humans in general wish to avoid pain and gain pleasure. It's a simple enough to understand sort of hedonistic drive. Unfortunately, in religions that purport to deny the world, it seems quite counter-intuitive. After all, isn't pleasure a distinctly worldly thing? One cannot be sure that anyone can actually experience pleasure as humans understand it once they're dead. Do ghosts/souls/ascended beings actually have some way of processing pleasure? That question's probably one of theology, so I'd leave you to form your own conclusions.

Even worse is the pursuit of enlightenment in avoidance of pain. That's very much along the lines of the this-world-sucks-I-should-leave-it mentality. In the choice between eternal pleasure and eternal agony, the choice is quite a no-brainer. I'd be rather a lot happier not screaming in pain for eternity. However, such a simple dichotomy of choice raises a question: Is there no state in-between, and is the appearance of these very simple options present to distract people from other possible goals?

To me, "enlightenment" should have its merits as an end in itself. If one wishes to pursue enlightenment in order to gain pleasure or even to "ascend" and thus become superior in some way, then the path to enlightenment becomes an means to an end. It is no longer the ultimate goal. Some may ask: So why pursue something for its own sake? For now, my personal answer is: Why not?